By your beh, Alvin. <3

2010-01-07T05:46:00.000-08:00

Love? isnt it suppose to be special? Karma? i dont know.

2009-01-12T04:21:00.000-08:00

Well , knowing myself that im a emo bitach now. Had my anxiety attack for the second time now , and my gf is not happy about it because i couldnt control my mind set and etc. I honestly didnt want it to happend to me but maybe im just weak in my mind .. sighs .. does this happend often to everyone ? or maybe issit to me ? karma ? maybe god is trying to be fair from what i did many years ago ? or maybe its just who i am ? but isnt life suppose to be fair ? why when someone doesnt want to be with you .. they just act like they do .. ? and they just slowing keep the distance away from you ? why issit so hard for you to tell someone straight to the face ? why do you have to twist and turn it ? yeah i know , family plays a very very important role in your life .. but not everyone has a good morning every single days .. maybe some does .. but no matter what u will get a bad morning with not enough sleep and being stressed out. why cant you just understand ? im trying my very best .. why is this happening ? you lied to me big time right infront of my face big time .. but in the end u twist it and turn to me and say its my fault ? why cant everything be all good and smooth .. then everyone will be happy about everything in life .. why does this issue have to involve other people ? why cant u handle it yourself ? since your so tough ? i just simply dont understand .. whats going on .. why is this all happening ? why cant you forgive me like how i did . everything to you its a small thing .. nothing is big .. unless its about me .. then u will make it vvery extreme .. guess ill just have to move on .. theres nothing much i could do about it .. i tried my very very best to make you feel as comfortable as i can. guess your not comfortable at all .. and you can just judge me in just 1 night ? what the hell ? whats all that bull.s ? sighs its just so depressing .. when you dont have your family and buddies around you to help you out when you need them .. why am i being treated this way ? what have i done wrong to everyone ? i just cant figure it out .. what did i do to deserve this ? sighs .. i guess i should stop moaning and forget about it and move on in life .. sometimes theres a limit where everyone has .. guess mine is there already .. i just need to move on and find my own happiness somewhere else .. which could be melbourne ? sydney or london ? but im gona have difficulty travelling due to my luggages .. wait .. i still dont understand .. yes i know ure family is very important .. but have you think about mine ? why are you being so selfish ? why ? so is this all about you and yourself ? it sounded really selfish .. i just didnt wana say it out .. because things might get worse .. you just dont have any idea how afraid am i to talk to you or tell u things .. im quite afraid to share stuff with you these days .. its just so hard .. i dont understand why cant you and me be honest to each other .. as i caught u lieing to me once .. and trust me .. its bad enough .. and i know there's more .. sighs. well guys .. to whoever whos reading my blog .. please leave a comment or give me suggestions on how am i gona go thru all this mess . please people .. help me! :'(

2008-12-02T22:06:00.000-08:00

Very well , people know i dislike blogging and so. but this time i couldnt take it anymore. my life here has been into so much of conflicts , stress and so on. i couldnt handle myself here. at the very beginning i was all excited and really looking forward to come here to start a new life cause life back home is just as stressfull as i am right here in australia. i dont like it anywhere. sighs. why do good people good things they get good things back in return and why does people who done a hell lot more of bad stuff out there and get the best ? whyy ? i dont get it. well , maybe its karma for me. maybe i've been bad in the past or back home and now its getting me. when i really really love someone and she has to leave just like that. why ? i really really dont get it. when i'm good , everything goes the other direction, but when im bad .. i dont get no benefit of out it aswell. i really really dont get it. what am i suppose to do ? i see the someone which i really love every single day. how do u expect me to just forget abt her ? some people say time .. time is bullshit. im stress out at work .. at school .. which is enough to burst my head and hit my limitation of stress. i've been crying , stressing out , emo-ing for the last few days and soon weeks , months , years maybe. i really dont wana have a life like that. sometimes i feel .. i rather die than staying alive , then everyone is gona be happy and no one is gona cry nor be sad. the life i have right now is basicly very awwfull if thats what u call it. i dont have much friends here to talk to .. or to do anything with. i still dont understand why people can fall for someone so deeply and few months later , BOOM ! everything is all gone just like that. why do people fall inlove ? issit because of sex ? to impress ure friends that your not gay ? to show people you got girls hanging out with u ? what issit actually ? for me .. i've learn how to love and how to care from the past few relationship i've been thru. i learn from my mistakes , which step am i gona step next ? i've learn alot from my friends and family .. everybody wants to feel love and be happy all the time. who doesn't ? everyone is happy .. except me .. all the time why ? WHYY ? issit because of me ? issit because im too sensitive ? what issit ? i really dont get it. i cherish the person i loved most and all my ex-gf's knows who what kinda person i am , what kinda person i am , what kinda attitude i have. i've been bad .. i admit it .. but ill never cheat , lie , hurt or anything to make a person feel sad or cry. otherwise ill be still the same , no changes in thomas. everyone looks at me the same way like how they used to. people change , i change so much till sometimes i dont know what am i doing .. i would sacrifice my life for someone who needs theire life even more than i am.. cause my life now is just not meanningfull anymore. im useless , i cant even make someone happy for 3 months ? why ? i change for the best for myself and everyone. why cant this whole world be fair ? fairness is the best for everyone. i still dont get it. whyy whyyy when i really love something .. it will definately fall thru .. when i dont like something or someone it will stay ? why issit like that ? im not saying im treat unfairly or something. i just dont get it .. why me ? why does my life have to be in this situation .. im not a person who whine abt theire gf or anything. but now i do ? what does that mean ? honestly , i dont know what am i trying to say or do now. not only to me .. to everyone .. please cherish the person the love most and not be afraid to approach something or someone you love most. otherwise , you'll never get what u want. and yes , talking abt getting what you want is selfish . if you never try you'll never know whats gona happend in future. otherwise you'll just be some looser like i am. im scared right now .. honestly , im still trying to figure it out .. no appetite .. no mood to do nothing. the only thing that can make me happy now is this special someone who mean the whole wide world to me .. but i know shes not gona get back ? then why does she have to tell me to give her some space and time .. when its time .. and she tell me .. im gona be even more hurt and even more sad when i find out its a no ? its like giving me false hopes and broken promises. sigh .. no matter what it is .. i still have to deal with her decision and move on with it with a very heavy heart.. and i gota admit im a coward but and have to run away from her and not see her ever again . cause each time i see her, i just keep falling in love with her over and over again. i would even walk , hitchhike or do anything to go somewhere really really far away just to be happy myself. i know she hates me now. but i dont know what did i do to deserve this ? why does she need to give me broken hopes ? which it will even hurt more ? whyy ? i thought good people get the good in return ? but isnt this happening to me ? issit because i should be bad like how i used to ? be the person how i used to be ? an idiot from another world who doesnt deserve to live in this world? should i ? sigh! i just cant let go of her .. do u know true love is something everyone cherish most or care about that special person most ? when you want everything to go the right way , and everything to be all fine and good. i argree everyone has their bumpy roads and their up's and down's. but everyone will be all good if you just confess and not lie to that special someone then everything will be sorted out .. but i know some stuff when you confess to someone it will not be definately goes the right way as you expected but still atleast you! yourself know your telling the truth and not lieing thru your teeth. i dont belive about someone are left to be unsaid .. that's just too unfair the other party. nothing is gona be fair is this world is like that. nothing is , why ? because someday the other party or someone will definately find out about it. why some people can lie thru ure entire relationship and it still goes on so well and nothing happend to them? do you think thats fair ? fair is about telling the truth and be loyal to the special someone who you really love. otherwise nothing is gona work out. nothing at all. in this world .. you can lie and hide some stuff .. but remember you cant hide it forever ! no matter what happends .. someone will still find out about it no matter what or how long it takes. i wont be as happy as how i used before .. thats for sure. cause when you really want something its not just that when you want something you can just get it , its just not as simple as that. i know you have to work for it and everything. show them your interest , appreaciation , careness and that your willing to sacrifice sertain stuff for them to keep them happy. this is what i call a healthy normal relationship. when both party's are happy and loving at all time. like i said earlier , someone has gota get hurt in this situation. i've been stab badly in the heart .. i feel like crying all the time .. i wana go home or go somewhere else where no one knows me. its gona be so much better .. so discover the world .. walk by the beautiful beach , sit by the lighthouse listening to the waves that hits the rocks really calms me down. but i know myself , when i really love something .. i will put my everything into no matter what it is. well some people just dont appreaciate it sometimes , sometimes they do. but in my case , it NEVER happend. maybe once , and thats abt it. can someone please help me out there besides god ? and yes , i dont know whether is god being fair to me or unfair. when im good .. i dont get what i get back in return. true enough when you do something good it doesnt mean someone owe you something . its either are u willing to do it or not. its willingness. but i guess life is gona be like that unless someone knock me down when im on the way out to work or something. then everyone is gona be happy again. and i just wish everyone to be happy for the rest of theire lives . simple because im a person who is very entuastic , excited and happy all the time. why am i not like that now ? im not as hyper as before , i dont feel loved .. friends ? will never be on my side .. and i know only 1 person will always be there for me .. which is Alvin .. beside him .. no one else. i've hurt too many people in the past and maybe now. i really cherish the 19 years of my life untill today. i've been in many up and down. but now im throwing my life away for the good. to be a coward to hide , run away and etc. just so you guys know .. that love is a very very beautifull thing .. never regret loving someone u loved before!

the life of a depress person.

By your beh, Alvin. <3

Love? isnt it suppose to be special? Karma? i dont know.